Last month of 22

 I thought, as today is exactly one month until my birthday and i'm currently learning how to reflect, I thought it was only fitting that I should reflect on my past year but mainly last week.

As a young women trying to find her place in the world, I feel I am constantly changing and questioning who I am. Being a performer does not help! Doing what I do, you are constantly judged on who you are, what you look like, but how can I be getting judge on who I am, when I am still not 100% who that is yet?

For the past two years I have been obsessed with my hair, (what girls aren't?) but when I say obsessed, I mean, battling with if I feel I am more myself with my hair straight or curly! Being Bi racial I am fortunate enough to have hair that can easily be big and curly or dead straight without a frizz in sight. I started auditing for professional jobs last year and over that time I learnt that I was getting more recalls with my hair being at its natural state which is curly. However as I spent last summer burning my hair with straighteners I unfortunately damaged my hair, leaving it with no curls. So I bought a wig, her name is Kourtney! I wore her for almost three months and at this time I felt more confident and in my own mind prettier. She was a straight hair wig. Looking back on it now, it makes me sad that some how I thought I was prettier, being in my mind more Caucasian looking then embracing my Jamaican roots. This has been a forever ongoing battle for me and I would be lying if I said it still wasn't.

2 months ago I decided I wasn't going to be able to get my natural curls back, no matter how much money I spent on curling products. So I decided to do the chop! I know its cringe but I honestly felt like the old me died and the new me was being reborn. This was a version of myself that felt more confident in my appearance, stronger in the way I thought and excited to embrace my natural curls all over again!

Since then I haven't used the straighteners once and it has been great just waking up in the morning and basically been ready to go! However I still feel a times that I am not pretty enough or myself without having straight hair. I guess this will be a battle I have to deal with until god knows when. I feel social media, the industry i'm in and friends and family around me, definitely influence how I feel with this subject matter.

Anyways enough about my HAIR for now....

Last week was a semi normal week for myself but it ended up being a difficult week mentally and physically, however overall it was a learning experience for sure!
I just got back from my week in paradise at 4am Monday morning in Colchester. I had a recall audition at 12 in central London the same day. I was feeling very tired and extremely stressed but excited for the day ahead. I felt the audition went really well and I was happy with how I performed overall. The next day I had to travel to Deptford for a finals audition. This wasn't like a usual final, as it was technically my first,second and third round. When I arrived I felt extremely nervous, under prepared and beyond tired, but as they say "The show must go on!". I gave it my best shot but overall I felt like that audition was a total car crash! I left feeling really deflated, embarrassed and frustrated with myself. I guess I was having one of THOSE days. So to cheer myself up, I went to the one place where I knew I would feel completely at home... The nail shop!

The following day I had a audition for my dream job. I was feeling super excited, super prepared and ready to knock them dead! When I arrived I was sitting in the waiting room with women who all looked like myself, nothing new but naturally you start comparing yourself to everyone. To be honest I normally sit there and judge, but I was so excited that I was auditing for my DREAM JOB, I didn't even notice/care, I was just focused on myself and how I was gonna slay! So there I was, smiles all round, the last one to go in, ready to give them the best version of myself and for some reason or other, I opened my mouth to sing and I felt like my voice was stuck! I did my best to try and save this train wreck that was happening, but every bad habit you learn to destroy at drama school, all came hurrying back like a massive wave of shit! I left the building and immediately started crying. I have never felt so disappointed in myself, in my whole life.

A day later I had a phone call with my agent explaining how all my auditions went and how I was feeling. I am honestly very lucky to say, that I have the most understanding, caring and fabulous agent a performer could ask for. He completely reassured me and explained to me that, that's life, shit happens and some days you are on top form and others your not, but its all a learning experience!

The following day, (so finally I made it to Friday) I get a call from my agent telling me I had another finals audition for the car crash that was Tuesdays finals audition! I couldn't believe it! My first reaction was to laugh and boy did i laugh! I clearly did something right!

Soooooooooo the moral of the story kids....
YES you are gonna judge yourself
YES you are gonna put enormous pressure on yourself to be the best you can be all the time
YES you are for sure, going to have bad days
YES you are gonna feel being who you are is not good enough
BUT all these experiences and feelings are what make you, you! and its good to know that you are succeeding on this road we call life, because without failure or disappointment, you cant truly have success and happiness!

Overall being 22 has been a hell of a ride and I've learnt A LOT! and I cant wait to jump into my 23rd year of living, learning and growing!


CG xoxo

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